It's On
by PsychoticSushi
Summary: Just because they're sorcerers doesn't mean they're tidy. When Balthazar hires a maid, she and Dave are almost instantly at odds. But is she REALLY a random choice? Or is there something more behind it? Melanie vs. Dave, in an epic battle of stupidity.
1. Who The Hell Are YOU?

**Okay, okay, just bear with me on this.**

**I couldn't help but think of this, but it's pretty much like a TV pilot: it SUCKS.**

**Why? Because it's the first chapter of something i just now put together. But i know the first chapp won't get any better than this.**

**So please read, review, and be merciful XD**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

It was just like every other night. Waitress a few tables, work behind the counter for a while, buff tables, and go home.

Well, it started _out _that way, anyways. Melanie may have been a bit...shall we say...well, OBLIVIOUS, but even she had noticed a guy that had been staring at her all shift long.

And not in the usual he's-totally-checking-me-out kind of way, either. It was more like the just-plain-creepy kind of way.

But of course.

She was hoping she could pack up her stuff in peace and make it out the door, but sure enough, he got up as she was leaving.

_SO CLOSE_, she thought mournfully as he cleared his throat and smiled pleasantly at her. "Hi, excuse me, but I have an offer for you."

Mel's perverted mind just couldn't help it; she scoffed. "Well, that's a new one. Sorry, but I'm not one of THOSE girls. Night, now."

She shook her head and left. A glance over the shoulder told her he was still inside, but had a rather determined look on his face, so there was a fifty-fifty chance she wouldn't have to use self-defense tonight.

So, OF COURSE, he ran after her.

_For frick's sake, I just got settled into my dorm this week and now I've landed myself a stalker. ...A shaggy-haired, trenchcoat-wearing stalker. BLOODY BRILLIANT!_

"Look, just listen to me-"

"Mother always warned me not to talk to raggedy strangers," she informed him before walking even faster.

Melanie couldn't help but feel satisfied as he let out a rather heavy sigh. She could honestly say she loved annoying people. With a passion, too.

"You're in need of more money for college, am I right?"

She didn't stop; she wasn't a dumbass. But she was a _tad _bit stupid, stupid enough to slow down a little.

* * *

Unfortunately, though the guy was older, he still walked pretty fast. He held up his hands as if making a peace offering.

"Listen, I don't mean any harm or mischief." Her eyebrows shot up real fast. "Harm or mischief, you say."

He took her slight amusement as a sign to continue. Which it wasn't. But now she had no choice but to listen.

Damn curiosity, it really was going to kill her one day.

"I'm guessing you have a student loan to pay off, am I right?"

Melanie noticed he had a mysterious tone in his voice, and decided to be mysterious as well. She narrowed her eyes dramatically, like in movies. "..Perhaps..."

He didn't notice her mysterious-ness, which made her huff to herself as he continued. "All I'm asking is for you to clean up my working space, and tend to it after our work is done every night."

Crap. She _needed _a job. Well, besides the one at the coffee shop. She didn't work well with stupid people, and waitressing skills aside, it was only a matter of time before her "poor people skills" got her fired.

And she was still up to her head in debts. Not to MENTION how low she was on gas money. And as for her fridge...well, let's not go there. It's too depressing.

She continued to look mysterious. "How bad is it?"

* * *

"Not bad. We just don't have the time necessary to clean it."

"How much am I getting paid if I say yes?"

"However much your cleaning skills are worth."

Melanie suddenly had a thought. "Hey, wait...If you needed someone to clean, why not go to a maid's service? Or Craig's List? Something that guarantees good cleaning service? I mostly excel at buffing tables and dealing with pissy morning people."

His mouth twitched a little, as if he was resisting the urge to grin. "Call it a hunch. Please?"

She bit her lip. This was stupid. So far, this night had turned rather cliché. Random guy chooses average girl to hire, and then the job turns out to be something AMAZING!

...Or, y'know, he COULD just want someone to clean his messy apartment or work space or _whatever_.

And she really could use the money, as we already established.

Finally, Melanie sighed. "What the hell. Twenty-two-year-old girl accepting a job offer from a total stranger that ran out of a coffee shop to convince her. What could possibly go wrong?"

He simply grinned and gestured for her to follow him. "Excellent. You can start tonight."

Her face fell even further than it already had. She glanced at her shoes- the DAMN shoes that were almost two sizes too small that her roomie INSISTED she wore- and sighed heavily.

"Can't this wait until tomorrow?"

"I'll pay you extra."

"Tonight it is!" She said brightly before miserably trudging after him.

_**

* * *

**_

_**FIFTEEN ****MINUTES LATER...**_

"Just remember. He may be a little..._surprised_," Balthazar (Weirdest name she'd ever heard in her whole entire life) reminded her in a hushed tone as they approached what she could only assume was their work space.

It was already looking rather ominous. Melanie nodded. "Yeah, I get it. Surprised. How bad could it be, right?" She asked with an anxious laugh.

He didn't answer; crap, not a good sign. What, was his partner some old fat guy? Oh, God, she hoped he wasn't.

The last thing she needed was someone checking her out every time she cleaned something really far down or really high up.

Especially if they were old and/or ugly.

Balthazar opened the gate-like door, and she reluctantly followed him. She heard snoring. "So what, do y'all crash here, too?"

That's when she saw what the room really looked like, and her eyes widened as she tried to take it all in.

Aside from the kind of cool-looking metal coils protruding upwards from the floor, the room was nothing but junk.

Leftover pizza boxes, leftover takeout, grime on the walls. And not to MENTION what the place would look like even without the mess. It kind of reminded her of Saw.

Towards the corner of the room was a dude not much older than her, sprawled out amidst a sea of textbooks and wadded paper.

"Holy crap. This is like...like...every serial killer's wet dream of a room! I better be getting paid a helluva lot of money for this," she hissed to Balthazar.

He didn't seem to hear her as he picked up a random plastic cup and tossed it at the guy's head.

The guy immediately shot up with an extra-loud snort, looking around spastically. "What the- Dude, that's not funny! How do you expect a sorc-"

Balthazar coughed rather loudly to drown out whatever the guy was trying to say, looking pointedly at Melanie.

"We have company."

She tried not to glare at him as he took his sweet time yawning and making a clicking noise with his tongue while looking her up and down.

"...Who the hell are _you_?"

* * *

"That's it? After that whole fifty-second sequence there, that's all you can say? Jeez." Sorry. It had to be said.

Balthazar seemed to be stifling a sigh. "Melanie, this is Dave. Dave, Melanie."

He gave her a very unenthusiastic half-wave. "Hi. What's she doing here?"

"She's-"

"I have a mouth, thank you. And I'm here to clean up your crap," she informed him. Dave's face fell, and he looked at Balthazar in total disbelief.

"You mean...You weren't bluffing? You ACTUALLY hired someone."

"Of course I did."

"In less than five hours? You're serious?"

"She's here, isn't she?"

"So she knows about the...the.." Dave made gestures with his hands as if forming a ball, and making explosions.

Balthazar openly winced as Melanie shook her head slowly. "No wonder. Your partner's mentally handicapped, Balthazar? That explains a lot."

Dave pointed at her, looking at his "partner". "Fire her!"

"Ex-CUSE me?"

"You're fired."

"HEY, Balthazar hired me, not _you_!"

"Well, I, uh...You're still _fired_!" He exclaimed in a voice that suggested he was trying to show authority.

Balthazar just shook his head. "She's hired, Dave. End of story." He turned to Melanie, who was currently staring big, dark brown daggers at him. "Melanie, if you want to start tomorrow instead-"

"You can just call me Mel. Please. I beg of you." She gave Dave a once-over, and it was not in the least bit flirtatious. In fact, she was pretty sure he gulped a little.

"And tomorrow sounds a lot better. Maybe then everyone will be _tolerable_."

"Tomorrow it is!" He said cheerfully as she trudged back up the steps, heading for the exit. "Goodnight."

"Yeah."

* * *

As soon as she left, Balthazar threw another piece of trash at Dave, making him grab his shoulder as if it had mortally wounded him. "Ow!"

"Dave, Dave, Dave. When did you get so charming? Would it be too much to ask for you to be courteous?"

"Don't take this the wrong way, but WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, BALTHAZAR? She doesn't know about sorcery, and _naturally _you think 'Oh, let's hire her anyway'? No way!"

He slumped, crossing his arms over his chest defiantly. "Besides, we don't need a maid anyways. _I _can clean it up if you want!"

Balthazar just rolled his eyes. "I asked you to several times. You declined. I sought outside help."

Dave eyed him suspiciously. "And that's the ONLY reason you picked her?"

"Absolutely."

He shook his head. "Nah, I think it's something else."

Balthazar didn't answer. There was a bit of a silence, and then Dave hopped up enthusiastically, pointing at his mentor.

"Ah-HA! You picked her 'cause she's good eye candy, DIDN'T YOU!"

* * *

"I did no such thing!"

"Oh-ho-ho, just wait till VERONICA gets wind of this! In fact, I should tell her right now! I think I'll do that," he said as he headed for the doors that separated their training area from Balthazar's and Veronica's own little condo-like area.

New addition.

Let's just say the two former apprentices had connections.

Unfortunately, Veronica met him outside the door, smiling pleasantly. "Actually, I _fully support _his decision," she said with that stupid accent of hers.

Okay, so it wasn't stupid.

But he was pissed off, so everything was stupid to him at the moment.

ESPECIALLY his damn old-man shoes. Great, the new maid had seen him in old-man shoes. Now he looked like even more of a loser.

...Not that he cared what that random girl thought.

It was just aggravating in general.

Dave scoffed, throwing up a hand and looking at the ceiling. "Of course you do. Tell me, if Balthazar said the moon was made of cheese and that he was gonna be sent to the moon to prove it to the world, would you fully support THAT decision?"

She smiled warmly at Balthazar, walking over to him and giving him a kiss. "Of course not. That would mean he'd be far away."

Dave made a noise of disgust. "Oh, _please_, get a room. THAT one, preferrably," he said while pointing at the door to their "living quarters" as they called them.

Balthazar wrapped an arm around her waist, giving Dave a look. "She's hired, and she's starting tomorrow. Whether you like it or not."

He watched them leave, then kicked off his old-man shoes. He purposely made them fly into different directions, both in high-piled junk. _There; now she has more to clean._

Dave groaned and grabbed his Converse of choice before stomping up the stairs to catch a cab.

"Well, THIS blows."


	2. Manhattan Misses You

**Why hello again!**

**Thanks so much for all the reviews and alerts. Good pointers, much appreciated. Hopefully most of the questions will be answered from this point on! :D**

**Enjoy, folks, and keep up the reviews.**

* * *

Melanie shut her dorm door with a lot more force than necessary, and screamed as her roomie shot straight up in bed making grunting noises like a zombie.

"THE HELL'S YOUR PROBLEM?"

He turned on his light, laughing uncontrollably, and she threw one of her shoes at him. "Ouch! No need for violence, Mellie."

"I hate it when you call me that."

"Why do you think I call you that?" He said with a scoff as he scratched the back of his neck with a yawn. "So what're you doing here?"

She paused in slipping off her jeans to look at him. "I sort of live here."

"Well, duh! I meant, what're you doing here NOW? You were gone so much later than usual, I just figured that like any other college kid you were out getting laid."

She snorted a laugh, continuing to get her jeans off before grabbing a baggy t-shirt. "I wish. Nope, I just landed a new job."

"Another one? You got canned already?"

"Not yet, but it's only a matter of time. You and I both know I'm not a people person."

Damian nodded before tilting his head to the side. "Yeah. Kinda ironic since you came from the South, and they're all about hospitality, huh?"

Melanie gave him a weird look. "Dude, I'm from _Alabama _of all Southern states," she said with a laugh.

He grinned and flopped back against his bed as she slipped off her shirt and bra. She didn't mind undressing in front of him; he was gay, after all.

That made a thought occur to her. "Hey, wait. How come YOU aren't out getting laid? Didn't you have a gig with the guys tonight?"

He and two other gays (plus one straightie) had formed a queer-core band three years ago, and were still going strong. Playing at night, and getting laid within the midnight hours.

She'd be lying if she said she didn't envy them; they were living the college dream.

Damian just sighed. "It was a total drag. No hotties there. For the first time in my life, I didn't get some form of action after a show."

Melanie hopped into her own bed before informing him in a sing-song voice, "Beggars can't be choosers, Dam-i-annnn!"

He threw her shoe back at her, making her snicker. "Shut up, Mellie!"

"Call me that one more time and I'm taking away your secret stash of Hannah Montana CDs."

"YOU KNOW THOSE DON'T EXIST, DAMMIT!"

* * *

She just laughed and shook her head. She was surprised he hadn't asked about the- "So, this new job?"

...New job. Dammit!

She cleared her throat. "Oh, that. I'm basically a...you know, maid."

There was a moment of silence before she heard him laughing so hard he was barely making noise. She sat up in indignation, huffing at him. "Hey! What the hell's so funny?"

"YOU, a MAID! Bwahahahaha! How much are they paying you?"

"The guy who hired me, Balthazar, said, and I quote, 'However much your cleaning skills are worth'," she said importantly, making her voice sound wise and sagely when quoting him.

Damian blinked at her. "...Is he hot? What vibe did he have?"

"NO, he's not that hot, and he's as straight as me," Melanie replied. Damian laughed. "Why ARE you so straight, anyways?"

She shrugged. "I can barely handle friends that are girls sometimes. Why the hell would I date one?"

That got them both laughing, and he dropped the new job subject. Melanie did think about it ONE more time, though.

She wondered if that Dave dude would be in a better mood tomorrow. She didn't want to get arrested for attempted murder any time soon.

_**

* * *

**_

_**THE ****NEXT DAY...**_

Admittedly, Dave knew he had been a bit...okay, RUDE last night. But c'mon, he had just woken up!

Not to mention she suggested he was retarded.

And not TO MENTION Becky had been gone for five weeks now. Well, four weeks and three days.

But he rounded it to five weeks, because it felt like a lot longer than that.

Stupid foreign study.

So, needless to say, there wasn't much TO say while the maid was cleaning some of the junk off the floor.

While she did that, he studied for a half-hour or so before realizing he had read the same sentence about five times now and decided now was a good time to call Becky.

He had been thinking about her and Chinese food the whole time he was studying, anyways.

While dialing her number, he noticed out of the corner of his eye that the maid had found one of his old-man shoes and was currently lifting it up with two fingers cautiously.

He ended up turning around completely in amusement as she found some pliers lying around and used those to grab the shoe with a weird expression on her face.

She then suddenly stopped, peered down at the shoe curiously, and slowly lifted it a little closer to her nose.

One sniff and she flung her arm out as far as it would go, looking like she was about to gag, and hurrying for the trash can.

_"Hello?"_

"Hey, it's me," he answered while plucking the shoe out of the pliers and setting them by his books. "...Dave."

Becky laughed on the other line. _"Yeah, I had a hunch. How's Manhattan?"_

"Manhattan misses you," he replied in a somewhat-smooth tone. That made the maid straighten from the pizza box she was currently bending over to get and look at him in a way that suggested she wanted to laugh at him.

Becky laughed for her. _"Really? Paris misses you too."_

"I'm sure it does. I left quite an impression there."

_"Nah, I think they're used to flying steel eagles."_

"But none of their flying steel eagles look like MINE." Okay, he HAD to look at the maid's reaction to that one.

She had a really perverted look on her face, and quickly ducked down to grab the pizza box with a fresh swear once she saw him looking at her.

_"What's so funny?"_

"Huh? Oh, nothing, nothing. I'll explain it all later. So, are you actually learning stuff or just killing time?"

_"Believe it or not, I'm LEARNING, Dave!" _She said with mock surprise. He heard talking nearby on her end, complete with her response and lots of girly giggling.

Becky sighed. _"I gotta go. Talk to you later?"_

"You bet."

_"Bye."_

"Bye."

She hung up, and he flipped his phone shut with a sigh. "Flying steel eagle?" The maid asked with a hint of a laugh.

He turned to look at her, and she was grinning. "I've heard a lot of creative dirty talk, and I mean a LOT, but that's gotta be the new number one on my list."

* * *

He turned a little red before clearing his throat and turning towards a coil, pretending to adjust it. "Shouldn't-Shouldn't you be, uh, cleaning?"

"I can multitask," Was her cheerful reply. "You. Dave, is it?"

"Yeah, what?"

"That was your girlfriend, right?"

"Not that I think it's any of your business, but-"

"THAT'S a yes," she said with a chuckle. He heard something thump into the trash can she had brought with her from outside.

When Balthazar had questioned it, she simply shrugged and said she had paid the hobo who owned it and that he just wants it back by eight tonight.

Speaking of Balthazar, he SAID he'd just be gone for "a while", but it had already been a WHILE.

"So what's she doing? You said Manhattan misses her," she prompted casually.

He sighed. "She's in Paris for a foreign music and art study."

"Oh, cool! How long?"

"A few months."

"Oh, that sucks for you. She's hot, right?"

"Extremely," he said before wondering to himself, _Why am I telling her all this? Didn't she call __me mentally handicapped?_

As if on cue, she cleared her throat and threw something else away. "Oh, and by the way...Sorry about the retarded comment last night."

"Apology acc-"

"I think you're more of a SMART idiot," she said thoughtfully, almost as if to herself, while tucking some auburn hair that had fallen into her face back behind her ear.

* * *

He leaned against the coil, finally looking at her since the dirty talk comment. She was currently up to her knees in old trash, literally. "Oh, I'M the idiot."

"Nooo, you're a SMART idiot. Were you not listening? Jeez, maybe you ARE just an idiot."

"_You're _the one who took a job from a total stranger to clean tons and tons of TRASH!"

"_You're _the one I saw FACEPLANT this morning on the way to Astrology!"

"What the- I don't _take _astrology!"

"_I _do, stupid."

"Hey! Wait, how'd you see me?"

"I go to the same college, numbnuts."

He opened his mouth to say something, then nodded condescendingly. "Oh, _real _mature, Maid."

"The name's Mel, _dumbass_."

"Do you have to add an insult to the end of EVERY sentence?"

"Pretty much."

He was about to reply smugly on how she didn't insult him that time, but then she added "Clutzy imbecile".

Dave sighed exasperatedly, and she beamed. "See, I can use BIG WORDS in my insults, too!"

He narrowed his eyes at her.

She narrowed her eyes at him.

_**

* * *

**_

_**FIVE ****MINUTES LATER...**_

_Dave is gonna be so enthused after this_, Balthazar thought dryly.

He honestly believed he hired Melanie for no particular reason? How insulting. Nearing his home, he sighed with relief.

"Good, they haven't set the place on fire or anything yet," he murmured to himself, making the hobo on the corner give him a weird look.

"Tell your friend she still needs to return my trash can!" He shouted after Balthazar, cackling before coughing. Sounded like he was trying to hack up a lung, to be honest.

"Will do!" He shouted to the man before entering. Immediately he was greeted with crashing noises and shouting.

"I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE MATURE, _DAVID_!"

"IT'S DAVE, _MELANIE_!"

"IT'S MEL, YOU BASTARD!"

"HEY! THAT'S UNCALLED FOR!"

"_YOUR MOM_ WAS UNCALLED FOR!"

"OH, HOW ORIGINAL. IS THAT THE BEST YOU'VE GOT, MAID?"

"MY NAME. IS. _MEL_!"

"OH, CRY ME A _RIVER_!"

"ISN'T THAT _YOUR _JOB? 'MANHATTAN MISSES YOU'? WHAT KIND OF SENTIMENTAL CRAP IS _THAT_?"

"THE KIND THAT PUTS A SMILE ON MY GIRLFRIEND'S FACE!"

"YOU MEAN THE ONE THAT YOU'RE HOPING GETS YOU _LAID_?'

"SHUT UP!"

"_THAT'S _A MIGHTY HUGE YES!"

"BOTH OF YOU, CHILL OUT!" Balthazar bellowed as he came into view.

* * *

They both instantly closed their mouths and looked at him like two deer in the headlights.

Mel reluctantly set down the cardboard box she had been about to throw at him, and Dave dropped his Converse shoe with a resounding THUD.

"Now, both of you SIT."

They did so; Mel let out a tiny "Ow!" after thinking there was a chair below her and just falling ass-first onto the floor.

Dave gave her a smug superior look from his chair, and she glared at him.

"Mel, Dave, how old are you two? Five?"

They looked at their shoes innocently, and Balthazar sighed. "Honestly. Both of you are about to graduate _college_, right? About to be adults, out on your own in the world. And here you are throwing trash and shoes at each other and shouting at the top of your lungs. How MATURE of you two."

"He _started _it," she muttered to the ground. "Did NOT!" Dave shouted indignantly before laughing anxiously at the look on Balthazar's face.

"What did I JUST SAY about being mature, you guys?"

"...Sorry, Balthazar," They said in unison.

He rolled his eyes and gestured for Mel to stand up. "Here. Three hundred and fifty."

Dave looked at him like he was nuts; Mel looked like she had just won the lottery. "WHAT?"

"Yeah, WHAT?" Dave asked, mocking her voice.

She didn't even glare in Dave's direction, instead doing a weird and spastic little dance before running up and taking the money.

"What was _that _supposed to be?" Dave asked.

"My happy dance," she replied cheerfully before holding up her hand for a high-five from Balthazar.

"All-fricking-RIGHT! Bills officially paid, fridge officially FILLED...I could kiss you right now!" She said happily before grabbing the borrowed trash can and taking the steps two at a time.

"See you tomorrow Balthazar! And..._Dave_," she said with an annoyed emphasis on his name.

"Bye!" They shouted in unison; Balthazar sounded amused, Dave's voice was colored with mock enthusiasm.

As soon as the door shut, she apparently thought they couldn't hear her. "I've got me a wad of ca-ash, I've got me a wad of ca-ash, I've got MOOONEEYYY! LOTS AND LOTS OF MOOONEEYYY!" She sang at the top of her lungs as she left.

Balthazar gave Dave a look of pure amusement.

"She just brings out the most immature being out of you, doesn't she?"


End file.
